Gratitude...and memories

Written on Nov 9: Last Sunday, I experienced something that I am sure will affect me for a long time to come. My teacher of the last 3 years passed away, somewhat unexpectedly. It has, needless to say, been a rough week. I went through many emotions from sadness to anger and regret, and everything in between. I'm sure that's probably normal. I knew she was sick, but had only seen her about 2 weeks before looking very strong and healthy.
The strangest thing was that I almost didn't feel as if I should be feeling as sad as I did, knowing that many other people had known her for much longer than I did. But the more friends I spoke to who had worked with her claimed that this was just her way. And for me, that's exactly what it was.
I have been close to my 4 other teachers, but with no offense to them, I never felt this close. Not only was Norma a incredible human being, but I credit her in some part to bringing me back into the fold of the opera business. And all she had to do was give me the tools to be a better singer, a better performer and a better artist.

Update: Since I wrote those last two paragraphs, I have since had more closure. It was hard for me to write about her at first, but I feel it is now time to finish this post. This past weekend, there was a lovely memorial at her farm upstate: her house was filled with warm people, memories, food and libations, just the way she would have wanted it. I don't presume to have ever known her as well as some of the people that attended, but it didn't matter. Everyone was sharing stories and remembering happily, which is exactly what we all needed, I think. I can't say that there won't be days from now on that I will want to pick up the phone to ask her advice or call her for a lesson, but I can say that I will do my very best to keep at my career with gusto and passion: For Norma, because she would have wanted nothing less for me.

Learning by doing

I recently posted this on Lauren Flanigan's blog, as part of our "Creating the Dramatic Character" class that I have been a part of since early summer. I'm pretty proud of my recent role experience and here's why.
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Almost two weeks ago, I returned from a recent engagement at Baltimore's Opera Vivente a completely different performer. I learned many things from this particular gig, but two in particular really stuck in my mind. It was my first Donna Elvira, a role I had been equally relishing and dreading, for many varied reasons. Like Amanda, I had always primarily thought of her as an angry, scorned woman, no matter how in depth I had researched her character. I knew she had an "every woman" quality about her, but it always seemed difficult to find until I actually brought her to life.
It wasn't until the first staging rehearsal of "Mi tradi" that I had that epiphany. And I do mean, "that epiphany," because I actually remember saying exactly that to the director at the time. I had been doing the aria for a few years as an audition piece and had always started it out strong and angry, with a huge sense of scorned betrayal. During this rehearsal, it was suggested that I start it out a little quieter and let it build, not only through the recitative, but through the aria as well. (for the life of me, I can't remember who exactly suggested it, but it worked, so thank you). How did it make me feel to really, truly start it with the knowledge that Don Ottavio wanted to kill Giovanni? Just by using that feeling, I was able to build through the recit, start quiet again through the beginning of the aria section and make every repeat of the theme sound different. It was as if I was singing a completely different piece! I was floored, to say the least. And, Donna Elvira felt more real to me than she had ever felt before. Needless to say, from then on, it informed my character in every scene. Throughout our run of four performances, I hope and trust that I was able to bring her to life as much as I think she should have been.
My second "epiphany" of sorts, which Amanda and I both talked about a few days ago over coffee was this: I knew that I came back a different singer and was pretty sure I knew why it was, but it wasn't until she and I discussed our mutual role experiences that I really understood the full extent of what I had learned. By the third show, I hit a place somewhere between calm relaxation before I went on and the adrenaline rush. I was initially afraid that I wasn't pumped enough to bring the stamina needed or the character needed. Once I got on stage, however, I felt myself thinking like her, but also thinking like myself (in a relaxed state) so that I was consciously able to momentarily stop for a technical check-in when it was necessary. It was that fine line between being too character-engrossed that you lose the vocal technique and too vocally engrossed that you become "the posing opera singer." Honestly, the biggest place it helped was when I knew I needed to take an extra big breath to get through a long phrase (of which Elvira has MANY). Overall, I'd say it made me realize how much I was learning from this incredible role.

Both of these particularly poignant realizations came, I believe, from allowing myself to be open to different ideas and flexible enough to work with what I was given (which was actually quite a lot: an open-minded director, a supportive cast and a small, yet professionally run company). I am still amazed and elated that I have come back to New York and the stress of life here to realize that the act of paying a little more attention to my general awareness, my character research, and my relaxation is informing my singing more than ever, making it easier and easier to go into auditions as a confident, well-informed performer.

Bigger than both of us

Alas, here I am again, a month after the last post. Strangely enough, it has been a busy summer, so I suppose that is really my only excuse. Out to California twice, up to Hudson twice (once for a week long gig) and in August, driving through New York, Massachusetts and Rhode Island all in one day. Oh, and starting a relationship. Yup, I said it, a real relationship. But that's all I'll say, for now. Suffice it to say, it is GOOD. What a concept to have someone actually GET you!
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I started that last paragraph about a month ago. Needless to say, I'll leave it at that since it sort of speaks for itself. The relationship is still going and is currently trying to survive the lives of two singers dating each other. Phew! It's hard, but I think it MAY actually have a chance...hell, more than a chance. It certainly takes two strong people, so that's a good thing that we happen to be that. After all the years I bitched and moaned about never wanting to date singers, the moment I decide to open myself up to anything goes...look what happens. And I'm not complaining about it. In fact, I'm entirely enjoying it, which is even weirder. I like the fact that two people can understand each others lives so much. Although that can also be the downfall, we're learning nonetheless.
Anyway, enough of that. The reason why I'm learning now is that I've been away from NYC for about a month for a show in Baltimore. We just opened last weekend and I have to say that this company (Opera Vivente) is remarkably professional, organized and fun! Companies three times their size need to watch and learn. The cast is good, easy to work with, the rehearsal schedule was efficient and professional and most of all, it has been a blast so far. I could not have asked for better. (and I'm not just saying that just in case JB happens to be looking :) I really am impressed, which brings me to a larger point.
Why should I have expected so much less? Why shouldn't I expect this of EVERY regional opera organization in the U.S? I'm not sure... Is it because, like any business, you get a lot of people who are passionate, decide on a whim to start a company, and then just don't understand business? Or is it because they need more funding? Or do people just not know how to get funding? I have lamented this fact before, both for myself and other companies I've worked with. In this day and age, (and maybe perhaps even in the past) it isn't enough to just have the passion, although it IS a necessity. You MUST know or teach yourself how to run a business, whether the only employee is you or a staff of a burgeoning new company. I'm not saying I do it perfectly, by any means...it took me years to learn that I need to market myself as a full package, not just a voice. The way I learned was from taking time off and getting into wine sales. I wish I knew it coming out of college, but c'est la vie. As much as I sometimes moan about having to have a day job, I cannot stress how much I owe to the wine business in teaching me how to market myself as a singer. Because fundamentally what we do in auditions is not only selling a product that includes our musicianship, our vocal talent, our language talents, etc, etc, but, but also our personality. In fact, I would even argue that a HUGE part of it encompasses selling our personality. And I certainly don't have it down...maybe if I did, I'd be singing at the Met by now. Hah!
What I wish is that more schools would teach this...I mean, really teach business. Not just the completely useless "business of music" classes that seem to crop up in some places. Teach sales techniques, teach alternative ways of making a living in this business, teach the economics of it. How to run a business...I could go on, and on, and on. But I guess that's my rant for the day. For now, I'll enjoy the efficiently run company I am having the privilege to work with and try to learn something from them. More shows this weekend and then back to the grind in NYC before the next one.

Bad bloggerville

I have a confession to make. I am a bad blogger. No, not a bad writer, necessarily (although I have never claimed to be a particularly great one), but it's just that I'm not so good at the maintenance part of a blog. It's sort of the same thing with writing letters. I have a few family members who do much better with letter writing than the technological advancements of the blog, email and the like. When I actually sit down to writing the letters, I enjoy it, as do my family members. But it's the actual getting to it that evades me. It sort of makes me a little sad that I occasional allow myself to engage in losing the art of letter writing, but ah well...time marches on. From here on out, I won't make any promises that I'll be more consistent, but I will try. How's that for non-committal?

Since April, I've been busy with different opera classes, coachings, lessons and more than a few auditions. Things, it seems, are going well in my world. I've even had a few more dates than this former semi-dateless girl is used to. Brava! And I have a new day job that is the first one I've had in a long while where I don't feel as if I'm going to get fired at any moment. Those folks who have had (or have) commissioned sales jobs may understand some of my feelings on this issue. It's not that I've been a bad salesperson, au contraire, it's just that with commissioned sales, one often feels an enormous amount of pressure to sell multitudes of brands because a) your boss is breathing down your neck, and b) you realize that you must pay the rent and eat this month, or else! For years, I struggled with the fact that although I knew I was good at sales, I still HATED the constant uncertainty that I lived with being on commission.
Well, that time has passed. I have finally become a supplier in the wine business! (for you lay people, that basically means working directly for one winery or importer) I still sell to the accounts on the street, but now have even more flexibility with my schedule AND have a distributor's sales reps to help me. Yay!!! I know, boring news to all of you non-wine biz people. But what it means to me and my singing career is even better - a boss who lets me be who I want to be (provided I do my job, of course) and a monthly salary so I can actually eat AND pay my rent. What a concept! Let's hope it continues to work out.

As for singing, life is good, although I always want more. (I need to learn how to be more Zen about that). Donna Elvira is sinking in, as I semi-reluctantly plug the English translation into my head to temporarily replace the Italian I already know. (no offense to our fabulous general director!!!) I go to Baltimore in September and believe it or not, it's the first time I will have done a show this far away from home. With a homestay and everything, and even pay! Again, what a concept! I don't feel completely at home with Elvira as a person yet, but I have an idea that it has something to do with the fact that she has a lot of qualities that I strangely identify with. (except for maybe the slightly batty part). I'm finding that some of my ideas of who she is are a tad unconventional, but they make sense to me, historically anyway. I just desperately want to be able to show her as a woman that people can identify with, rather than just obsessive, or just a bit of comic relief, as she is sometimes played. She is flesh and blood and I can't wait to bring her to life!

In any case, I will end by giving a little plug for my show in September, whether people can make it to Baltimore or not. It's a small company, but a good one, and I'm really looking forward to it! So, check out the dates on my website (which is also new this year): http://www.heathermichelemeyer.com.

See you at the theatre!!

Ah, this life

This week, I have come face to face with what it might mean to have a complicated relationship with this chosen life. No, I'm not in one, alas, but I started to think about what it would mean, especially if it ended up being with someone who is also in this crazy music business.

Some people, hands-down, prefer to be with someone in the biz, because as a couple, you can understand each other just a little bit more easily. Others prefer completely the opposite, simply to have something refreshing that is a break from music, and to have one person who at least has a semblance of a normal life. While I know that these descriptions are only a snippet of the big picture, they provide at least an idea.

I used to believe that I would never, ever want to be with a singer (with the possible exception of my first long-term relationship). Singers are self-centered, too much like me, too much this, that and the other. Maybe another musician - an instrumentalist, a conductor, something artistic. But even then, dating other musicians is too difficult. You may have schedules that make it impossible to ever see each other, you spend too much time having a relationship via phone. So, as a result, I dated almost exclusively non-musicians, but at least people who had some artistic inclination. This didn't seem to work...I often felt like the singing was a novelty and there was never any real understanding. My perspective is, needless to say, changing.

This week, when I was faced with this dichotomy again, I realized that it really didn't matter at all. You like who you like and if you end up having to deal with difficult circumstances, then what do you do? Do you take risks? Or do you back away and take the easy road?
In the past, I believe I may have backed off. Now, for some reason, I'm willing to take risks, even if it is with another musician. Is it because I'm not getting any younger? I hope that's not the reason. I would hope (and I think) it is more that I've been so used to taking risks over the past three years of being in NYC, that I'm now ready to take them in a relationship. I'm tired of bull and pussy-footing. I'm ready for something real, something risky, something that won't necessarily be easy. Now all I have to do is hope that when it happens, I can balance it with my career, work and life. Isn't that the ultimate question? I'm convinced it can be done, so wish me luck.

Danny Boy

Happy St Paddy's Day!
This speaks for itself...

Disappointments at the Met

I cannot believe that I haven't written since Grimes was over. Shame on me! All in all, it was a great success and I am incredibly glad that I had a month full of auditions lined up to keep me from falling into deep post-show depression. To make a long story short, many good things have come from it.

Now, for the real reason I felt particularly compelled to write today. To start, I do not claim to be a critic, nor do I really want this to be a place where I review performances on a regular basis. There are many people who do that well (and some not so well), so I will leave it to them. However, my disappointment over the Met's new production of Peter Grimes cannot go unsung. Don't get me wrong, the singing was lovely (for the most part), and the music-making was top notch. The set and the direction, however - OY! Can you say, unimaginative? Detracting from the story? Ugh...there were so many moments in which the humanistic aspects of certain characters' interactions were ripped away because of the hulking set. For example: at the end of the opera, Peter has gone insane and both Ellen and Balstrode come to try and lend him some help. The music is stark, poignant and heart-wrenching, most of actually being acapella. The director had them placed inside these doors within the mammoth wall of a set about 10-12 feet off the ground, on either side of Peter. Is that poignant? Does that serve the music? I don't think so. They couldn't interact with Peter, each other, nothing...
I understand what the director may have been going for - emphasizing the isolation of the Borough, the difficulty Ellen and Balstrode have in reaching Grimes emotionally, etc, etc. But on the huge stage of the Met, this deconstructionist vision doesn't work!!! I can see how it might work with a different piece in an intimate setting, but not in opera. If a director doesn't listen to what's in the musical score, then he or she is lost, plain and simple. Most good composers give it to you, especially Britten. Everything you need to know is right there in the score, really, truly...

I will stop my ranting now, but I was so disappointed and the review in the NY TImes mentioned nothing about any of this, except a few negative words about the set. Basically the problem wasn't just the set, but what the director chose to do with it, so all are to blame.

Just my two cents from someone who just studied the score inside and out for the past 6 months.

On to new things...

I must be doing something right

I'm feeling more than ready for Grimes this week and our run-through last Sunday was a huge part of that. Making a conscious decision to concentrate, focus and have a solid intention really does help - duh!
As a result, I sang better than I have in a long time (without giving it all up - gotta save some for the actual performance), and think I may have even done some decent acting for once in my life. You see, although I've probably been better than I think I have as a singing actress, I have always been very hyper-critical of my own acting performances. It's always been difficult to find that line, but not cross it, so to speak. As an opera singer, we really cannot completely give in to the emotion, particularly if it is something that will make us cry. Crying makes singing almost impossible. You do, however, want to attempt to go to that line, so that you can convey the emotion of your character to your greatest ability. In the past, it has always been hard for me to even get to that line. In recent years, I've had the opposite problem of going a little too far. Ellen Orford is teaching me how to find the middle - and even more so, my Peter Grimes is helping me to bring it out. Throughout the course of rehearsals, I have developed a huge admiration for his intensity as an actor and am thoroughly elated to be working with him. Rock on, CS!!

In other news, I had the chance to eat at a lovely newish restaurant last night for my good friend EK's 50th birthday. The place was Insieme and the food was divine. Not to mention the wine list, which was one of the most interesting lists I've seen in NYC in a long time. The cooking is Italian-based, but very innovative and very fresh. We had some gorgeous homemade fettucine with venison & pomegranate ragu, among many other things and a 1996 Barbaresco that they were serving by the glass. Yum! Although it's a tad expensive to warrant going back multiple times, I really want to check out their other restaurant called Hearth and their new wine bar that is supposed to opening summer-ish. The sommelier is a Riesling fanatic and promises to have multiple Rieslings by the glass, whether customers like it or not. So there!!

All in all, her birthday was a fantastic experience - one in which ER and I tried to span her decades of experiences with NYC locale visits and appropriate presents at each stop. Needless to say it was fun and fruitful. Great friends are a blessing, indeed!!

Recital madness

The recital is over and I have to say, although I was worried going into it, it turned out to be a great success. For my first recital in NYC (and my first in a very long time), I am very pleased.
There was a fantastic turnout - many more people than I expected. I also received a great deal of wonderful feedback. All in all, it was very encouraging for making this recital into an annual event. I particularly enjoyed sharing it with my friend Vince's new group, Choral Chameleon and hope to work with them again.
I think my favorite feedback of the evening came from two friends of a friend who go to a great deal of classical music and arts events in New York. They said they really enjoyed the fact that it was a non-traditional recital with music that you don't hear all the time. They particularly commented on how engaging the music was. Good news, indeed!

Thanks to all who attended! Now, on to focus on Peter Grimes!!! Grimes ahoy!

Happy Belated New Year

Alas, I cannot believe that I didn't post during the entire month of December. Then again, I guess I can believe it. December was, needless to say, a busy month. Work, work, work, then gig, gig, gig and on top of it all, add memorizing Peter Grimes AND learning the music for my recital. PHEW! It seems I have survived.

I feel proud that I survived December vocally intact and still healthy (touch wood!) I've learned to manage my "vocal issues" (i.e. reflux) and am singing better than ever. So, enough of patting myself on the back, I've got more work to do. This coming Tuesday is my recital of new music. Although I am way less prepared than I like to be, I am jazzed about it and for more new music recitals to come. As a result of this one, I have decided to make it a point to do one every year that focuses solely on new works and hopefully, premieres. Championing new works has always been a passion of mine and although I have lost my way in past years, I am making a renewed commitment to making this happen.

Peter Grimes rehearsals have been great! Although it got off to a little bit of a rocky start for me personally, I feel stronger and more confident and ready to give this the best performance I've got. I have also learned much about how my attitude affects my performance and other people's view of me. Positivity is my new mantra and so far, it's working out quite nicely. My family has always been fairly cynical - not in a bad way, but to the point that it gets a little negative sometimes. An aunt of mine very astutely pointed that out to me recently and I've really taken it to heart. It makes an enormous difference in the way I present myself and I'm sure it makes a difference in how I am perceived.

This year, I feel, holds great promise. It's getting off to a great start and I once again, feel like I'm doing what I came to New York for - to sing. The elation of being part of a great music collaboration like this one for Peter Grimes is like an elixir! And I can't wait for more!

...and I promise to be better about posting in 2008.