A tribute to my patron (of sorts)

She wasn't really my patron in the true sense of the word. Yes, she helped me out financially on occasion, specifically in reference to my opera career, but more than that, once I moved to NYC to renew the career drive, she anchored me with stories of operas she attended in the "golden age," with conversations about what we did and didn't like about the current productions (that she was mostly seeing on HD or listening to on the radio), and with my updates of how my career was going. ("it's still hard, but I have an agent now, which has made things a little easier").
I think the last conversation about opera that we had was about how I was starting to look at some Wagner, and even Tosca perhaps. And how she was frustrated that the Met broadcast station in her part of Florida had recently changed to a different format. (I was frantic to try and find a way of playing broadcasts for her). She was never effusive about her support for me, but I knew she was proud. The last time she saw me perform was probably my senior recital, but because she stopped flying early on, I always sent her recordings when I had them. I was particularly proud of my Ellen Orford, even though she confessed that it wasn't her favorite opera. (this makes me remember the time that we had an extensive conversation the year that the Met's new production came out and how we both really disliked it. Even though she didn't LOVE Britten, she had come to admire the old production with Vickers, which she went to when it premiered).
When my aunt and I packed up the apartment after she died last week, I didn't even have to ask if I was privy to taking the opera CD and DVD collection (and books). Of course it was mine. She would have wanted me to have it.
And yet, I find it strange that I've only sung once since she passed. I guess, in time, I'll find the right moment. For now, it's hard. I want to sing for her funeral, but I just can't bring myself to, which I know is alright. I'll be singing in my head, at least. :) It's a little odd, but dealing with her death had brought me a renewed vigor, I think. I want to make her proud, I want to look at her life and realize that there's no room for being idle, being lazy, or making excuses. It may sound cheesy, but it's true. She would have wanted me to.

An entire year

This is my official attempt to getting back to writing on this thing. I can't guarantee it will work, but I can certainly try.

2010 was an eventful year, to say the least. It wasn't necessarily fantastic, but it wasn't horrible. On my second year with an agent and basically my second year with a new teacher, the music business was educationa, but less than fruitful. I had a few decent gigs, a few really great auditions (great as in, the right companies to sing for), but not a lot of feedback. I won't go into the requisite bitching about my agent not getting me the right auditions (and believe me, I don't just rely on the agent to do stuff for me: I bust my own butt because that's just what you have to do), but I will say that I think the business in 2010 in general was just sucky. Yep, that's right, sucky. Even singers at a higher level with high-power agents couldn't even necessarily get consistent work or auditions this year, or at least what they keep telling me.
I'm also venturing into a slightly heavier fach, and learning more about singing than I have since I started college, so I'm sure that factors in there somewhere. No offense to any prior teachers, but why has it taken me this long to really learn how to sing? And I mean, really learn technically, pedagogically, larygogically, etc, etc. Oy. Maybe I wasn't ready until now. Or maybe now that I've grown into the rep that is really me, it's when the technique really kicks in. Who knows? What I do know is that I love it, and I hope that it finds me that niche that I've needed to find.
Now all I need is for people to take a chance on me...take a chance on a singer who has the experience, but doesn't have all the perfect companies, all the perfect competitions, all the perfect programs. At least I've decided that this is the year NYCO will hear me. They don't know that yet, but they will. ;-)

On a more personal note, the bf and I moved in together almost one whole year ago next month. It's been an interesting ride, considering we both came from living alone for a long time, and are not spring chickens anymore. It took us a while to get used to having someone around all the time, dealing with the little quirks that come from having anyone as your roommate, and the general foibles that come from learning each others' living habits. It's not perfect, by any means, but we love each other, our home, our cats and our Astoria neighborhood, so that can't be all bad. Now we just need to come up with a new name for ourselves - partner sounds so clinical, boyfriend/girlfriend sounds so high school, and we're not the marrying type, so wife/husband doesn't work. For now, we'll settle on concubine. (look up the definition; you'll be surprised to find that it doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means).

Emerging from silence

Wow...I just logged in and realized that I haven't posted since I wrote about Norma's passing. If that doesn't speak volumes, I don't know what does.

(insert reflectory pause)

It is now summer 2009...and what a year it has already been. Although I don't think I realized it at the time, I did go through a period of mourning. I got through my fall/winter auditions (20 to be exact, mostly from crashing everything I could), did a few more in January and then fell hard. All the while, I was still trying to maintain energy for my day job. Honestly, I think I was a little nuts, but Norma wouldn't have wanted me to shut down, I'm sure. And I did, somehow, survive.

Strangely enough, events in the new year started off incredibly well. After months of researching and about 4 separate auditions, I signed with an agent (my first!) In this economy, I'm definitely counting those blessing. Seeing that it was my first go around looking for one, I am pretty darn happy about it. Suddenly, things started rolling in...not directly from my agent yet (that takes a while when one first starts out), but maybe just from the feelers I had been putting out for the last few years. No, my musical life is not yet perfect, nor am I quitting my day job, but it does keep getting better, slowly. And of course, I always want to be one step ahead of where I am now. Does that ever get any easier? I mean, once I get that City Opera audition (and contract, of course), will I just want to be one step ahead of that? I'm guessing I am not alone in this feeling - maybe that's what happens when one has ambition.

Around the middle of March, I finally started looking for a new voice teacher. While I'm still wrestling with the idea of having to think in a different manner about my technique, I do feel strongly that I've found the right person. Someone tough, who won't let me get away with anything. And she's doing just that. I'm trying not to be frustrated in the midst of gigs and learning new repertoire, so I will keep plugging away and trying to have faith that it will all work out. I am sure it will.

As for my current state of being, things are pretty hunky dory. My relationship of about a year is better than ever and getting stronger every day. I'm getting ready to do an apprenticeship program at the Caramoor Festival starting next week (which I am really excited about) and have two opera gigs lined up for fall 2009 and spring 2010. And with my new agent-fangled self, I'm hoping my fall auditions will be full. Don't get me wrong, I still plan to work my booty off...agent, or no agent.

Sounds like I'd better go buy myself a cupcake.

Gratitude...and memories

Written on Nov 9: Last Sunday, I experienced something that I am sure will affect me for a long time to come. My teacher of the last 3 years passed away, somewhat unexpectedly. It has, needless to say, been a rough week. I went through many emotions from sadness to anger and regret, and everything in between. I'm sure that's probably normal. I knew she was sick, but had only seen her about 2 weeks before looking very strong and healthy.
The strangest thing was that I almost didn't feel as if I should be feeling as sad as I did, knowing that many other people had known her for much longer than I did. But the more friends I spoke to who had worked with her claimed that this was just her way. And for me, that's exactly what it was.
I have been close to my 4 other teachers, but with no offense to them, I never felt this close. Not only was Norma a incredible human being, but I credit her in some part to bringing me back into the fold of the opera business. And all she had to do was give me the tools to be a better singer, a better performer and a better artist.

Update: Since I wrote those last two paragraphs, I have since had more closure. It was hard for me to write about her at first, but I feel it is now time to finish this post. This past weekend, there was a lovely memorial at her farm upstate: her house was filled with warm people, memories, food and libations, just the way she would have wanted it. I don't presume to have ever known her as well as some of the people that attended, but it didn't matter. Everyone was sharing stories and remembering happily, which is exactly what we all needed, I think. I can't say that there won't be days from now on that I will want to pick up the phone to ask her advice or call her for a lesson, but I can say that I will do my very best to keep at my career with gusto and passion: For Norma, because she would have wanted nothing less for me.

Learning by doing

I recently posted this on Lauren Flanigan's blog, as part of our "Creating the Dramatic Character" class that I have been a part of since early summer. I'm pretty proud of my recent role experience and here's why.
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Almost two weeks ago, I returned from a recent engagement at Baltimore's Opera Vivente a completely different performer. I learned many things from this particular gig, but two in particular really stuck in my mind. It was my first Donna Elvira, a role I had been equally relishing and dreading, for many varied reasons. Like Amanda, I had always primarily thought of her as an angry, scorned woman, no matter how in depth I had researched her character. I knew she had an "every woman" quality about her, but it always seemed difficult to find until I actually brought her to life.
It wasn't until the first staging rehearsal of "Mi tradi" that I had that epiphany. And I do mean, "that epiphany," because I actually remember saying exactly that to the director at the time. I had been doing the aria for a few years as an audition piece and had always started it out strong and angry, with a huge sense of scorned betrayal. During this rehearsal, it was suggested that I start it out a little quieter and let it build, not only through the recitative, but through the aria as well. (for the life of me, I can't remember who exactly suggested it, but it worked, so thank you). How did it make me feel to really, truly start it with the knowledge that Don Ottavio wanted to kill Giovanni? Just by using that feeling, I was able to build through the recit, start quiet again through the beginning of the aria section and make every repeat of the theme sound different. It was as if I was singing a completely different piece! I was floored, to say the least. And, Donna Elvira felt more real to me than she had ever felt before. Needless to say, from then on, it informed my character in every scene. Throughout our run of four performances, I hope and trust that I was able to bring her to life as much as I think she should have been.
My second "epiphany" of sorts, which Amanda and I both talked about a few days ago over coffee was this: I knew that I came back a different singer and was pretty sure I knew why it was, but it wasn't until she and I discussed our mutual role experiences that I really understood the full extent of what I had learned. By the third show, I hit a place somewhere between calm relaxation before I went on and the adrenaline rush. I was initially afraid that I wasn't pumped enough to bring the stamina needed or the character needed. Once I got on stage, however, I felt myself thinking like her, but also thinking like myself (in a relaxed state) so that I was consciously able to momentarily stop for a technical check-in when it was necessary. It was that fine line between being too character-engrossed that you lose the vocal technique and too vocally engrossed that you become "the posing opera singer." Honestly, the biggest place it helped was when I knew I needed to take an extra big breath to get through a long phrase (of which Elvira has MANY). Overall, I'd say it made me realize how much I was learning from this incredible role.

Both of these particularly poignant realizations came, I believe, from allowing myself to be open to different ideas and flexible enough to work with what I was given (which was actually quite a lot: an open-minded director, a supportive cast and a small, yet professionally run company). I am still amazed and elated that I have come back to New York and the stress of life here to realize that the act of paying a little more attention to my general awareness, my character research, and my relaxation is informing my singing more than ever, making it easier and easier to go into auditions as a confident, well-informed performer.

Bigger than both of us

Alas, here I am again, a month after the last post. Strangely enough, it has been a busy summer, so I suppose that is really my only excuse. Out to California twice, up to Hudson twice (once for a week long gig) and in August, driving through New York, Massachusetts and Rhode Island all in one day. Oh, and starting a relationship. Yup, I said it, a real relationship. But that's all I'll say, for now. Suffice it to say, it is GOOD. What a concept to have someone actually GET you!
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I started that last paragraph about a month ago. Needless to say, I'll leave it at that since it sort of speaks for itself. The relationship is still going and is currently trying to survive the lives of two singers dating each other. Phew! It's hard, but I think it MAY actually have a chance...hell, more than a chance. It certainly takes two strong people, so that's a good thing that we happen to be that. After all the years I bitched and moaned about never wanting to date singers, the moment I decide to open myself up to anything goes...look what happens. And I'm not complaining about it. In fact, I'm entirely enjoying it, which is even weirder. I like the fact that two people can understand each others lives so much. Although that can also be the downfall, we're learning nonetheless.
Anyway, enough of that. The reason why I'm learning now is that I've been away from NYC for about a month for a show in Baltimore. We just opened last weekend and I have to say that this company (Opera Vivente) is remarkably professional, organized and fun! Companies three times their size need to watch and learn. The cast is good, easy to work with, the rehearsal schedule was efficient and professional and most of all, it has been a blast so far. I could not have asked for better. (and I'm not just saying that just in case JB happens to be looking :) I really am impressed, which brings me to a larger point.
Why should I have expected so much less? Why shouldn't I expect this of EVERY regional opera organization in the U.S? I'm not sure... Is it because, like any business, you get a lot of people who are passionate, decide on a whim to start a company, and then just don't understand business? Or is it because they need more funding? Or do people just not know how to get funding? I have lamented this fact before, both for myself and other companies I've worked with. In this day and age, (and maybe perhaps even in the past) it isn't enough to just have the passion, although it IS a necessity. You MUST know or teach yourself how to run a business, whether the only employee is you or a staff of a burgeoning new company. I'm not saying I do it perfectly, by any means...it took me years to learn that I need to market myself as a full package, not just a voice. The way I learned was from taking time off and getting into wine sales. I wish I knew it coming out of college, but c'est la vie. As much as I sometimes moan about having to have a day job, I cannot stress how much I owe to the wine business in teaching me how to market myself as a singer. Because fundamentally what we do in auditions is not only selling a product that includes our musicianship, our vocal talent, our language talents, etc, etc, but, but also our personality. In fact, I would even argue that a HUGE part of it encompasses selling our personality. And I certainly don't have it down...maybe if I did, I'd be singing at the Met by now. Hah!
What I wish is that more schools would teach this...I mean, really teach business. Not just the completely useless "business of music" classes that seem to crop up in some places. Teach sales techniques, teach alternative ways of making a living in this business, teach the economics of it. How to run a business...I could go on, and on, and on. But I guess that's my rant for the day. For now, I'll enjoy the efficiently run company I am having the privilege to work with and try to learn something from them. More shows this weekend and then back to the grind in NYC before the next one.

Bad bloggerville

I have a confession to make. I am a bad blogger. No, not a bad writer, necessarily (although I have never claimed to be a particularly great one), but it's just that I'm not so good at the maintenance part of a blog. It's sort of the same thing with writing letters. I have a few family members who do much better with letter writing than the technological advancements of the blog, email and the like. When I actually sit down to writing the letters, I enjoy it, as do my family members. But it's the actual getting to it that evades me. It sort of makes me a little sad that I occasional allow myself to engage in losing the art of letter writing, but ah well...time marches on. From here on out, I won't make any promises that I'll be more consistent, but I will try. How's that for non-committal?

Since April, I've been busy with different opera classes, coachings, lessons and more than a few auditions. Things, it seems, are going well in my world. I've even had a few more dates than this former semi-dateless girl is used to. Brava! And I have a new day job that is the first one I've had in a long while where I don't feel as if I'm going to get fired at any moment. Those folks who have had (or have) commissioned sales jobs may understand some of my feelings on this issue. It's not that I've been a bad salesperson, au contraire, it's just that with commissioned sales, one often feels an enormous amount of pressure to sell multitudes of brands because a) your boss is breathing down your neck, and b) you realize that you must pay the rent and eat this month, or else! For years, I struggled with the fact that although I knew I was good at sales, I still HATED the constant uncertainty that I lived with being on commission.
Well, that time has passed. I have finally become a supplier in the wine business! (for you lay people, that basically means working directly for one winery or importer) I still sell to the accounts on the street, but now have even more flexibility with my schedule AND have a distributor's sales reps to help me. Yay!!! I know, boring news to all of you non-wine biz people. But what it means to me and my singing career is even better - a boss who lets me be who I want to be (provided I do my job, of course) and a monthly salary so I can actually eat AND pay my rent. What a concept! Let's hope it continues to work out.

As for singing, life is good, although I always want more. (I need to learn how to be more Zen about that). Donna Elvira is sinking in, as I semi-reluctantly plug the English translation into my head to temporarily replace the Italian I already know. (no offense to our fabulous general director!!!) I go to Baltimore in September and believe it or not, it's the first time I will have done a show this far away from home. With a homestay and everything, and even pay! Again, what a concept! I don't feel completely at home with Elvira as a person yet, but I have an idea that it has something to do with the fact that she has a lot of qualities that I strangely identify with. (except for maybe the slightly batty part). I'm finding that some of my ideas of who she is are a tad unconventional, but they make sense to me, historically anyway. I just desperately want to be able to show her as a woman that people can identify with, rather than just obsessive, or just a bit of comic relief, as she is sometimes played. She is flesh and blood and I can't wait to bring her to life!

In any case, I will end by giving a little plug for my show in September, whether people can make it to Baltimore or not. It's a small company, but a good one, and I'm really looking forward to it! So, check out the dates on my website (which is also new this year): http://www.heathermichelemeyer.com.

See you at the theatre!!