A tribute to my patron (of sorts)

She wasn't really my patron in the true sense of the word. Yes, she helped me out financially on occasion, specifically in reference to my opera career, but more than that, once I moved to NYC to renew the career drive, she anchored me with stories of operas she attended in the "golden age," with conversations about what we did and didn't like about the current productions (that she was mostly seeing on HD or listening to on the radio), and with my updates of how my career was going. ("it's still hard, but I have an agent now, which has made things a little easier").
I think the last conversation about opera that we had was about how I was starting to look at some Wagner, and even Tosca perhaps. And how she was frustrated that the Met broadcast station in her part of Florida had recently changed to a different format. (I was frantic to try and find a way of playing broadcasts for her). She was never effusive about her support for me, but I knew she was proud. The last time she saw me perform was probably my senior recital, but because she stopped flying early on, I always sent her recordings when I had them. I was particularly proud of my Ellen Orford, even though she confessed that it wasn't her favorite opera. (this makes me remember the time that we had an extensive conversation the year that the Met's new production came out and how we both really disliked it. Even though she didn't LOVE Britten, she had come to admire the old production with Vickers, which she went to when it premiered).
When my aunt and I packed up the apartment after she died last week, I didn't even have to ask if I was privy to taking the opera CD and DVD collection (and books). Of course it was mine. She would have wanted me to have it.
And yet, I find it strange that I've only sung once since she passed. I guess, in time, I'll find the right moment. For now, it's hard. I want to sing for her funeral, but I just can't bring myself to, which I know is alright. I'll be singing in my head, at least. :) It's a little odd, but dealing with her death had brought me a renewed vigor, I think. I want to make her proud, I want to look at her life and realize that there's no room for being idle, being lazy, or making excuses. It may sound cheesy, but it's true. She would have wanted me to.