Jon Vickers as Peter Grimes by Britten

As I study this piece even more...I don't even know what to say. This is a powerful moment.

Thankfulness

While this is a tad late, I feel after a relaxing couple days at home, I must muse on what I am thankful for.

For my family, who is continually supportive of me as I traipse along in this nutty career. (and many of whom are coming to New York in January just to see me!)

For my father, especially, who must be one of (if not THE) coolest dad in the world.

For the endless support of friends whom I would be nothing without. (whether watching my cat, coming to a concert or just plain hanging out on a Sat night watching TV)

For my cat, Dickens - sounds cheesy, but he lets me leave for a few days and still purrs endlessly when I get home.

For young children - I hung out with my cousin's daughter Ruby, who is like a niece to me. She is amazingly energetic, talented and fabulous. I want to see more of her.

For great music - mostly Mozart, Britten or Handel, really.

For my hometown, Santa Barbara, that exists purely so I can eat great Mexican food, great sushi and put my toes in the sand on the best beaches I know.

For New York, that continues to challenge me every day, but seems to keep giving back to me (may that keep on going)

For fall foliage.

Yup, I'm thankful and happy for the first time in a long time. Now all I need is an endless supply of money. :)

On a roll

I am almost hesitant to post this, seeing as I fear "la voce" will turn on me in coming weeks, but what the heck...
This week, I am on a roll. I have been good about the yoga, the walking/running AND the hermit life of not going out just to preserve the instrument. Needless to say, I am learning.

Here was my week: working like a dog, as is the norm in the wine business for the week before Thanksgiving. (which means a lot of talking)
-Voice lesson on Tuesday.
-Audition for KT on Weds for solo oratorio consideration (which was 4 arias worth - and I wondered why I was SO exhausted on Weds night).
-Drive to Annapolis, MD on Friday for a Saturday audition in Baltimore.
-Sing a killer audition on Saturday.
-Drive 4 hrs back to see RG at Avery Fisher in his big time solo debut (and out for a couple drinks).
-Church on Sunday with unexpected solos (and a lot of straight tone).
-Sing-thru of Le Nozze with SM and an amazing cast of singers!
-Ugh!

Here is my point: through it all, I remembered to breathe, to go home when my voice felt tired, and to pace myself. Although by the end of the read-thru I was tired, I hope that it wasn't noticeable. I came home feeling vocally taxed, but not to the point of exhaustion and collapsing. I do believe I'm finally learning something, for goodness' sake!
On another note, the audition in Baltimore was, in my feeling, the best I've ever done to date. I felt in the moment, breathing, connecting and relaxed enough to be myself (and not my nervous self). I would love it if I connected enough to garner a role, but if I don't, I know what I am capable of and I am content with that for now. I gave them a darn good performance. Days like this remind me that it is OK to be coming back to this life, to be starting again, to want to be making a living at this thing that I so love.
And if nothing else reminds me of this, singing pieces (like I did today) such as the final ensemble from Le Nozze di Figaro will: Contessa, perdono...Piu docile io sono, e dico di si...Ah tutti contenti saremo cosi...
It takes everything I have to not to get choked up while singing this sublime piece of Mozart's masterpiece. And this is why I do it.

Another audition, another post

No, this post is not necessarily going to be about auditions. Although I will say that just as I think I start to get this audition nonsense mastered, I have to go and perform like I did yesterday. Which is to say, not so well. Or, maybe I did better than I thought, and only walked away feeling less than one hundred percent. One more for the drawing board, I guess.
I have decided that I do not like the audition set up at certain cramped, dry and over-used NYC studio spaces. It was crowded, noisy and it made me come to the realization that I don't like to be surrounded by noisy bustle before an audition. While I do not want to be that sit in the corner, ignore her colleagues, snooty soprano type, I will have to start forcing myself to listen to my instincts to stick to myself and my thoughts until after the audition. Whether it was my frame of mind or the commotion in the waiting room, I seemed to carry it in with me to my less-than-perfect audition. Oh well...there are more awaiting me.

Which leads me to another joyous point: I am done with gigs and auditions at least for a couple weeks, which right now, seems like an eternity! (although I did email someone this morning looking for a cancellation on an audition list this coming weekend - no rest for the wicked).
I went out lastnight to a friends' gig downtown and then out for a couple drinks at a lovely bar (recently discovered by moi). It was like heaven - it felt as if I was breaking the rules and being bad. Wow, my life is boring!! CJA said something lastnight that stuck with me though - as much as being a hermit is good for the career, you can't deny yourself the pleasures of going out with good friends, good food and good drinks, which I wholeheartedly agree with. She went so far as to suggest finding those couple places where you feel the atmosphere is nice without being overly loud and obnoxious. So that's my new assignment - I have a couple places in mind that fit the bill already and this new place is perfect - Marshall Stack on the LES. Great beer and wine list, good bar snacks and a "taciturn bartender" (to quote AV).
Oh and don't forget the Sweet Potato Frites with Pink Flake Sea Salt and Jerk Mango Chutney Mayo from Whole Foods Frites Bar on Houston. Just thought I'd throw that in...

Reflections

It seems that this being an opera singer thing leads to a somewhat boring, recluse of a life. But before you think I am seemingly ungrateful for my talent, think again. I have finally (it's taken a long time) come to terms with the fact that to do what I love means having to sacrifice going out, hanging a lot with friends, and most of all drinking... It may even mean having to sacrifice spending time looking for relationships (since I don't do the online thing).

Now, before you say that not all opera singers have to live this way, stop! I have found that I do. My instrument is not ridiculously fragile, but it's fragile enough that I need to take care of it and also need to stay healthy, both physically, vocally and mentally. This may all be extremely boring to you all, but it is a revelation to me, particularly since I'm only now making it priority. Since I've REALLY made this change, everything feels stronger. Yes, my voice gets tired after the choral gigs that I do to make extra money, but now I can at least practice the next day instead of feeling as if I won't ever sing again (dramatic, but that's sometimes how I feel).

However, that doesn't mean I have to curtail all interesting activities. In fact, I visited a new restaurant the other night in the interest of prospecting for my day job. Il Buco - expensive, but utterly delicious. And with a beautiful atmosphere. Gorgeously prepared food - clean, simple flavors with interesting additions. I would be happy to come back any day. In fact, I will this Wednesday. Oh, and they have a gorgeous wine list - mostly Italian.
Ah, but I could go on...this month means a lot of nose to the grindstone: a sing-thru of Le Nozze di Figaro for brush-up purposes (one if my faves), a couple choral gigs, learning music for my recital and most of all, learning the role of Ellen Orford. All daunting, but utterly attainable tasks.

Discoveries, every day

I am really terrible at this blog thing, so I apologize. When I get busy, certain activities such as this tend to lay waste by the wayside. Ah, such is life! I've been doing a lot of singing lately (mostly professional choral gigs) and this usually leads to a great deal of pondering.
Some recent vocal trouble prompted me to look into the past and try to figure out what has worked and why (and when). As a result, I have gone back to being a regular yoga fanatic, as well as general exercise fanatic. And when I say fanatic, for me, that means only 3-4 times a week. (I'm still trying to work up to 4-5 times a week). I have to say, yoga in general does wonders for a singers constitution. It opens up my nasal passages (along with my cherished neti pot) and opens up my hook-up to breathing. It is amazing how much stronger my voice feels when my body itself feels stronger. Now, I'm sure this is no revelation. For me, it has been a constant struggle most of my life. I don't particularly like exercise and I've always been naturally slim, so it's always been hard for me to motivate with exercise. I really find a peace with yoga, though. And because I tend to get bored easily, it means I really need to have check-ins with myself to make sure I'm sticking to the original plan. This time, I think I may have broken the mold. Something has changed in my determination, my self awareness, and my general well-being to make me realize that it's time for regular exercise or no dice with the singing. What a concept!

Una furtiva Lagrima - Pavarotti

May we dare to learn something from this beautiful voice...

For the love of Benjamin Britten

So I really shouldn't go this long without posting, particularly when I'm trying to be good about this new venture. Oh well...
I'd like to start off by remembering Luciano Pavarotti. I was never a huge fan of his (because of the acting), but MAN, did he have a voice!! Beautiful and substantial with Italian diction you could take dictation to. I just listened to a Nessun Dorma recording and remembered how great his voice really was. We've lost a lot of greats this year and it begs the question: will we have another great generation of singers? Is this it? I mean, Renee Fleming works, Thomas Hampson sort of works, but Anna Netrebko, Angela Gheorghiu? Don't get me wrong, they have their appeal, but a Regine Crespin, Beverly Sills, Luciano Pavarotti, Jerry Hadley they are not. Sad, but true. Ahhh, bel canto!

Before I depress myself too much, I must report that I am busier than ever this fall (and spring). Things are starting to look up and not just in the choral work department. I have solo work: not much, but enough to keep me hungry and pushing for more work. I will be singing a solo recital on January 8 at St Barts and sharing the stage with my pal Vince Peterson. He will be debuting his new choral group and we will be doing all living composers music, including Vince's! After that, I will dive headlong into rehearsals for PETER GRIMES!!! Yes, I'm singing Ellen Orford with One World Symphony here in NYC. It will definitely be a good challenge for me and one that I am absolutely up for. Those performances will be January 25 and 27 (I will only sing one of them since we are double cast - stay tuned for the exact date I will be singing).
I also have many auditions and many choral contracts, so I am going to have to keep a close watch on my vocal and bodily health. Not a lot of partying for me, nor any loud bars & restaurants. I'm going to have to be good, which is difficult at times. I like to be social and my teacher rides me about it all the time. But for good reason. I have learned over the years that my voice is particularly fragile and I cannot afford to push it the way I sometimes do. So, no partying for moi. La voce, la voce!

How to be an opera singer AND eat good Latin food

It's been a while. And I need to start figuring out how to get people to read this darn thing. So, those are plans for another day.
My latest endeavor in the singing end of my world is the need/desire/actions of treating this more as a business. I always have since I came back to the career, but something in me changed when I returned from Europe. The proverbial light came on and I realized that I needed to be carrying myself more like an opera singer and I needed to be making those connections that I have been putting off. So, I signed up for an aria class on Thursday nights. I am attending local opera company productions to schmooze a little and see what is out there in terms of performance opportunities. Making sure that I am being seen as well as heard, even if it's just for a brief hello or a "remember me" moment. I'm not getting anywhere by staying in my house, going out to yet another damn dive bar or restaurant (as much as I love them), or caring about where the next place I'm going to meet a man is (as much as that would be nice too). There are more important things right now. I am an opera singer and I need to start reminding myself of that EVERY day, as well as start making sure the people that count know that too. It's called presence and I obviously need to work on it. Ugh - it seems like so much, really, but I can finally see the prize. I can finally see that it might actually work and I don't want to let that go. I've wasted too much time already not knowing. Wow - I can't wait until I actually get on someone's stage again. Watch out people - this is gonna be good!

On another note, the holy grail of Latin food (according to moi) has been found. After two years of complaining that there is no fresh, cheap Mexican food in New York, I can look no further. Paradise is called the Red Hook Ballfields - food vendors enough to feed an army and fresh, deliciously amazing food. Salvadorean, Guatamalan, Mexican, you name it. Ceviche, pupusas, huaraches, homemade tortillas, aguas frescas, cashew fruit juice (a new discovery)!, and the best tacos around. It was heaven and we ate entirely too much food on Sunday. Sadly, they are being harassed these days by the Dept of Health as well as the City organizations that want them to get licenses (which are VERY expensive) and be inspected. They have been operating for years without these and are just now coming under fire, only because they've been getting more press it seems. And yet, midtown Manhattan halal carts still get to operate with no health inspections (that I know of). Really sad! I only hope that they don't get shut down before I have a chance to go back. Honestly, it's some of the best food I've had since I moved to NYC and that's the truth!!

Oh, Vienna!

It has been some time since I've sat down to write anything on this and I'm beginning to think it's all for naught since no one really reads it. Maybe someday, right?

I recently came back from a vacation that my pocketbook really couldn't afford, but my soul obviously needed. I went to visit a good friend in Vienna. More specifically, I flew into Frankfurt, Germany to meet her in Mainz, where she will be spending a year as a Fest Soprano at the Mainz Staatsoper. We spent 3 days there and then flew to Wien, where she is readying her apartment for sublet. I spent 7 glorious days there. Although I loved Germany, I REALLY fell in love with Vienna. The city is beautiful, the food, wine and beer is to die for and the people (at least the ones I met) were lovely. And what's more important is that the music I heard was good and peppered with young, (but not too young) aspiring singers who are actually getting work in opera houses. Now I know I'm probably idealizing a bit, but the scene in Germany and Austria seems so much more open to the idea of actually having a career as an opera singer. This revelation is not new, of course. My friend TG has been there for 5 years. Her friends that I was introduced to hail from the U.S., Canada, Germany, Austria, Spain, England, etc. These people were working! (sure, sure, it's not been without hard work and a little struggle, but they're working!)
This all left me with one huge impression: maybe I really need to seriously consider looking to Austria and Germany as a future place to live and work. I've always been a little afraid to leave the States since my family is here, my friends are here...all the reasons one would stay close. But the further along I come in this career pursuit, the more I realize that maybe I just have to do what it takes. And I've always entertained the notion of living overseas, so why not?
Now, I wouldn't be able to do this right away - I feel I still need time here, with the companies here and more importantly, with my teacher, NN. I truly think that what this trip did for me was to open my eyes to other possibilites, in case NYC doesn't work out. Everyone I met there seemed so much more full of life than half the people I meet here. I do love NYC, but the longer I live here, the more I realize how easily the city sucks like out of some people. It's insanely expensive, it's competitive, the weather is extreme, the people have no sense of common sense politeness, and everything seems to conspire against you. It's a miracle sometimes that we can get anything done at all. And yet, we do.
So, what will I do? Not move to Europe just yet. But it's there and I have an open invitation. And better yet, I have a fantastic friend who has offered to help me whenever I decide to come. Sometimes, that's the best thing of all.

The power of a good voice lesson

Sometimes I am in awe of what a feat it is to make a beautiful sound come out of one's mouth as an opera singer. It takes coordination, physical work and mental focus. Not to mention a lot of chutzpah. And a little bit of crazy.
I say this because I had one of those "aha" moments in my voice lesson yesterday with a great piece of early Verdi (and a lot of vocalises). I feel as if I am just now learning how to breathe, even though I thought I knew before. I think I probably always knew how, but never really felt the physical work that it takes. Or maybe I'm just learning it in a completely different way.
I am on a roll with singing right now: practicing 6 out of 7 days, attempting to focus on characters when I'm riding the subway, listening to works in progress on my Ipod, and diligently listening to the recordings of my lessons any chance I can. There is a readiness in my body and mind that I haven't felt before. I hope that this is a good sign. For the fall, I will have a good package together, I will put together a professional recording to send out, and hit the auditions in the fall with gusto. I am in my prime and people would be crazy not to hire me, right? I'm still a little afraid sometimes, but I can't let that rule me. Although a little late, I came to New York for a reason. And I have to keep on focusing until I get what I came for.

The great lobster roll comparison, part deux

So, the great lobster roll comparison is finished. We went to Pearl last week, which was much better than Mary's, but still left me wanting more. Incidentally, we also drank an entire bottle of Cote de Brouilly between the two of us. If you don't know what Cote de Brouilly is, it is one of the Crus of Beaujolais and it's made from the Gamay grape. The more Beaujolais I have, the more I think I'm turning into what my friend EK calls herself: "a Beaujolais slut." When the bartender asked us if we wanted it room temp or chilled, I just about squealed with joy and rapture. She was my new best friend and it is definitely a reason I will go back to Pearl (not to mention the food was good). Yes, I geek out on wine and food, if you can't already tell, but trust me - try a Beaujolais Cru - you won't be sorry. Chilled, it's the perfect summer red.
But I digress. Although Pearl was good, Ed's was the hands down winner. Even TB agreed with me, even though he was trying to convert me to Pearl before he had Ed's. The lobster is not over-mayo'd, the fries (while not traditional) are delectable and perfectly salted, the bun is buttered, yet crispy and it comes with a small side of Ed's yummy, spicy pickles. Pair that with a nice Chablis, a Cote de Provence Rose, or even better, the Cremant de Loire Rose they have as a special right now and you're set for the rest of the afternoon. I think I'm hooked!!

On my mind

There are many things on my mind as I enter into a new month: finances, music, relationships, career, etc. I am trying not to let it all bog me down this morning. Today, I will focus a little on music/career and leave it at that. I am in that place where everything is fairly consistent, the kudos is coming in drips and drabs and yet I am a little bit afraid. Afraid that I'm not doing enough work, afraid that the only kudos I'll ever get is from people who will only ever hire me as a choral singer (which is not so bad - at least I'm getting work).
Someone last week told me that I had the best & most interesting voice they'd heard in a long time. He's someone a greatly respect as a musician and I hope to get to work with him in a solo capacity someday soon. For now, it's in a choral capacity, which suits me just fine. As long as I get to work with him. But it still makes me wonder: will these people who tell me these things ever use me as a soloist? Will I forever be stuck as a choral singer? I don't want that yet, although it is something I would consider when I've finished making the stab at being on my own on stage.
I look at people who are my age and working singers (soloists) and think, that's where I want to be. What is it going to take to get me there? I always feel as if I need to work harder. I always know that if I had more money, I could afford more lessons and more coachings. But those things are not existent, at least not right now. They will come, I know. I have to know. I also know that my time off has hurt me a little, so I have to work even harder, even with a daytime job. Sometimes, it all seems just a bit overwhelming, but I know I have to persevere.
I've had a theory for a long time that female singers who are single and come from not so well-to-do families have it even tougher. I survey working singers on occasion and find that most are married and/or come from families with money. And yet I know there must be another way. There must be a way of survival for those of us who have not found that perfect person or have that perfect family. (financially-speaking, of course). My friends and I joke occasionally about finding a sugar daddy, but in all honesty, I've always known that I can't base my criteria for finding a relationship on money.
Which brings me to another topic: relationships. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I allow situations to happen in dating that make me less than happy. Although I've not cracked the code completely, I have decided this: I no longer want to expend my energy on seeing people that don't want to at least explore a more serious avenue. I would finally like to date someone who wants to see what the endless possibilities might be and until then, I need to use that energy on more useful things: like singing and selling wine. The fact is, I sing better when I'm not tied up in someone's drama and that's the honest truth.

Well, that was all a little scattered today, but it was on my mind.

The great lobster roll comparison

So, my friend TB and I started what looks to be the great lobster roll search today. Although it's not so much a search as it is a comparison. Our plan is simple: we try the three lobster rolls purported to be the best in Manhattan and compare them to find the best. Mind you, this, I'm sure has already been done, but we don't care. We want to find out for ourselves - god forbid we take someone else's word for it. We are both seasoned wine and restaurant business professionals and of course, have the best palates of anyone we know. (self-professed, of course). We are legends in our own minds, but often get praise from our non-industry friends, so I figure the bravado is somewhat justified.
After weeks of me telling TB that the new Ed's Lobster Bar had the best lobster roll ever, he insisted on taking me to Pearl Oyster Bar (incidentally, where Ed came from before he opened his own place). The unfortunate thing was that Pearl's happened to be closed today. There was much sadness before we realized that we could walk moments away over to Mary's Fish Camp (where the chef is also an alumnus of Pearl). It would have been nice to start with the mother ship, but we weren't about to be deterred - we had to have a lobster roll today. Now, I trust TB's lobster roll knowledge - particularly since I really only knew that these lovely sandwiches existed since I've been on the East Coast (a whole 2 years). Let me tell you, they are tasty, even if they aren't the best lobster roll ever. Our verdict on Mary's Fish Camp was this: good hunks of lobster, but too much sauce. I didn't like the fries all that much (shoestrings), but as TB explained, they are actually traditionally what you would get with a lobster roll anywhere in New England. Hmm...I think I'm more for the non-traditional then. I'm holding out for better - it looks like on Friday we go to Pearl Oyster Bar and maybe next week, I will introduce him to Ed's.
Here's to more eating...now I just have to find a way to practice singing today before succumbing to a food coma.

More old blogs

Here's the last of the old blogs, so it will time to start new ones soon. Today is a good day, I feel. Suffice it to say that I am cutting out people who like to create drama (and I'm not talking about the drama onstage). It feels good.

February 7, 2007
Well, at least the last one went well. Yet, I didn't get the part - par for the course. I am impatient and even though I know it will take time, I still get irritated if I didn't get the part. Normal? I don't know. Perfectionist? Definitely. Don't they know I'm their perfect person for the role? I guess if you don't go into these auditions thinking you're the shit, then you've got nothing. It's the only way I can keep my skin thick. Don't worry - I'm still staying humble. Seeing other singers who have mastered it more then me keep me humble. My voice teacher keeps me humble. Living in NYC most definitely keeps me humble. Gives me something to strive for and reminds me I'm not completely crazy - all those other people talking to themselves on the streets of New York are! ;-)

January 25, 2007
Ah, the art of mastering auditioning. It's so fun! And you never really know what they're thinking. I did an audition yesterday that was good, but not great. Not my best. Yet the German they asked me to read was perfect (well, close to it anyway). Did they get that I was having an off day? Do they care? All the typical questions, I know, but since I chose to get back into this crazy profession (or it chose me really), I still haven't mastered every audition and it drives me insane. I suppose I shouldn't expect perfection every time, but I am impatient. I've only been back seriously for two years, so I suppose I should have faith and patience. Every good thing takes time...hopefully I will master the audition I have next week.

An introduction of sorts

I am going to start this off by copying a few of my past posts on my Myspace music site. They act as a good introduction to who I am and what I have been going through throughout the beginning of this year. Much of what I was feeling earlier this month still holds true for today. I am continuing to focus, focus, focus on my day job and my singing, which is a difficult balance, but must be done.

May 3, 2007 I am procrastinating today, from my day job. I am getting music work done, which is nice for a change. I have decided that for now, the focus should be on my career. The boy is over and I no longer have the distraction, which is a good thing right now. I don't need it, except for maybe the sexual needs part. I don't need the indecision, the emotional back and forth, the not getting enough sleep. I definitely don't need that. I know I may sound cynical, but it's the way I choose to be if I am going to make anything of this career. I am not a young artist any longer and I have taken time off, so I have many strikes against me already. If I am going to be successful, I must focus and I must tell that to myself everyday. Things are going well for now and I have the entire summer to focus all my energy into this one important thing (as long as I can keep myself financially afloat with 3 jobs!) With all my spare time, I will focus, focus, focus. It can be done and it will be done! Let's just hope I can stick with this. Wish me luck!

April 15, 2007
Well, my string of choral gigs and church (Holy Hell Week, etc) is over for a couple weeks. It's nice to be able to breathe and focus on my own work. More auditions this week - I'm still in the frustrating state of doing more choral work than I like and not getting enough solo gigs, but I constantly remind myself that I've only been here 2 years (as of today, in fact) and I've got a lot more auditions to go on before something actually happens. Ugh! Unfortunately, not being busy also allows me to think too much about relationship issues and the boy that can't make up his mind. Is it so difficult to make a decision? Choose me, pick me...these are the thoughts I am sending him, but I cannot push too hard. He feels right and I must allow it time to breathe. Ah yes, this leaves more time to focus on my career which right now, is most important. It has been difficult lately to think about the future...sometimes, I just want to make it simple, but I want to sing more. And I want someone with me. And I want children with me someday, maybe. Is it wrong to want everything? Sometimes I feel as if it won't happen, but I need to stay positive.